Situation: Complex

Gentle Readers – I seldom  write about me.  Most of the time I observe and write, but I seldom observe me.  This is an exception.

This morning, I was sifting through the myriad digital photos the Mystery Guest Blogger and I took in Việt Nam.  I came across this one:  it was taken the day before we left.  The MGB and Trang are sitting on Vọng Cảnh, a peaceful hill overlooking the Perfume River.

Trang is a special person.  She is not just one of my former students – she is a bright, ambitious young lady whom I grew to admire.  She and the MGB bonded tightly.  I was so proud of the work Trang did on her research paper – and have shown her finished paper to folks back here in America.  We still swap emails, and occasionally IM when we happen to be online at the same time.

The reason the MGB and I went to Việt Nam was to build relationships.  Frankly, before living there, I’m not sure I knew what the truly meant.  I was to find out that relationships are the absolute foundation of Việt Nam’s society.  That’s how things are done. In Việt Nam, there is no such thing as a separate professional life, nor a family life, nor a sex life, nor a spiritual life – they are all one in the same.  If you develop a strong relationship with someone, you are brought into the entirety of that person’s life. It is the norm to ask details of someone’s life.

Back in December, I posted an entry about Relationships.  (Read the comments too, especially the one about the book “Bowling Alone”.)  A Canadian librarian spent six months in Viet Nam, and Mark observed the tight nature of relationships – read Social Gatherings  , including the link to Mark’s blog  and the comments.  Westerners, especially Americans, are very superficial in their relationships, and move in and out of “friendships” easily.  For the Vietnamese, a friendship is something that endures for life.

America struggles with its loneliness – and you might read today’s story on the topic from the Associated Press.  It too mentions “Bowling Alone.”

Yes – I am missing Viet Nam, or more particularly, the relationships I had there – the ones I worked so hard at developing.   I miss the intensity of working hard to get to know people.  So tonight, I did something about that.  I went over to Mom’s – and we just chatted for two hours.

Its all about relationships.

Comments

[Son]

Thank you for the picture. It's good to see a picture of her in Hue again. Even thought ... just her back

I've not had the good fortune to spend extended time in Viet Nam. My stays have been far to short to experience much relationship building. In spite of that I find my thoughts are constantly on Viet Nam and when I will return.

My latest time in Viet Nam was so powerful for my students and their future teaching that a colleague and I are writing an article on Study Abroad cultural experiences and how those experiences can be recreated in our community to help future teachers.

[Lan]

Interesting reading, Doug especially the article from Associated Press that you linked today. I am among one those thousands (millions) of people over 50 struggling with loneliness and widowhood. All of my so called "friends" slowly disappeared after my husband passed on. All these years I thought I was one of the few with this complex situation.

Perfume River looks so tranquil and beautiful. Sure wish I could be there.

[Triet]

Poignant piece, but I think the article on touches the surface of the issue among college-age people. First, it seems to equate loneliness to Facebook.com and spending time on the computer. While I agree that it can be a symptom, I think the computer is only a small symptom at best. Speaking as one who is living that age currently, society allows different reactions to pressures than in the past. I am used to getting my food fast, my movies when I want, my music off of iTunes immediately after I hear it on the radio. I like 350 channels of television, so if one story bores me, I can spend the next 45 minutes flipping through channels to find one that doesn't. And why in the world would I want to spend time and energy reading a book for that story??

We focus on the result, not the journey, and in relationships the result often IS the journey. Hence, we dispense with it. Why go through the trouble? I can send short text messages to colleagues about work, see the guys at basketball once a week, and romance? ...going to dance clubs often gives the result without the journey too.

I think this line of thinking is destructive, because it bleeds into everything. Pardon waxing religious, but I believe strongly that God, as our creator, loves us, cares, and endowed us with self-worth. But individual self-worth, regardless of where you believe it stems from, is negated when the body, the action, the personality, or even the whole person becomes seen merely as a tool to obtain a result. And where does that leave the tool? Often feeling used, depressed, and lonely.

Secondly, this situation is complicated heavily because of race. The Vietnamese DO let you into their whole lives when you become their friend, but it is often harder to make friends. When in Vietnam, I felt stuck in this pseudo-world. Around family or friends I felt very much connected to the people in Vietnam. However, by myself, around people who had never met me, I felt alone. Everyone assumed (no fault of theirs) that an American obviously wouldn't understand their culture, jokes, food, wants, desires. Americans are all rich, white, and promiscuous (stereotypes often told to me). Conversely, my wife has felt that way in America. Obviously she won't speak English well, won't understand football, or like democracy. Rarely does anyone mean harm, or are even cognizant they feel that way, but they assume them nonetheless, and she feels alone.

Relations can be made. For my wife and I, in Vietnam or America, an effort to make a friend was almost always reciprocated. Interestingly, many of my friends are religious--I think because religions place an emphasis on individual self-worth and their followers think its important enough to invest time in. And blogs--I think blogs can actually be a unifying tool to build friendships along nontraditional boundaries like age or location.

I'm sorry for the long comment...I haven't commented in a long time...but it just all gushed out.