Re-Entry

Call it a “camp retreat” – the kind of get-together where people sit around the campfire and sing.  In a way, that’s what the Mystery Guest Blogger and I did last weekend.

There was a purpose, however.  It was a meeting to equip those of us who had just returned from teaching in Asia with the tools needed to readjust back into our own society.

To which the Gentle Reader is saying “Are you nuts?  What’s there to readjust to?  This is America, the best and richest country in the world.  Yer gonna tell me you miss Việt Nam?”

In a word, yes.

Some examples:  I rode a 100cc Honda motorbike during the past nine months.  I filled it up for 30,000 to 40,000 Vietnamese đông (between $1.80 and $2.50) every two weeks.  It is a bit exasperating for the newly returned to see that the idiot driving a Hummer doesn’t seem to understand he is part of the cause of gas being so expensive.

In this picture,  the MGB and I are both wearing ponchos.  Rainy weather?  Put a poncho on, and expect your feet to get wet.  Get back home to America and watch as people almost drive into the Wal-Mart to avoid getting wet – as if they might shrink.

I also left friends in Việt Nam. Good friends.  It was kinda kewl when Tuân came over and asked the MGB (he called her Mom) for some hot chocolate.  I miss running around the countryside with my friend Mr. Cu, the photographer. I miss my students.

Okay okay – I’ll stop whining.

But, things changed while we were gone.  When we left, our church met in a store front – now it has its own building.  (Yes – we saw it last summer.)  New people have moved in, and some have left.  A friend’s business closed.  My mother has memory loss.

And with all the change, we have nobody to talk to. That’s right – nobody to talk to about what we did for 1 ½ years.  People don’t ask because they don’t know enough about what we did or about living in another culture to ask a question.  So once the conversation starts with a perfunctory “How was Việt Nam?”, the topic soon reverts to the scores of last week’s football game or the latest baby in church.

Think about it – if you’re a man, would you talk to a woman about giving birth?  You have no idea what to ask or say, so men don’t talk to women about giving birth.  With no commonality, folks just don’t get into a conversation about our time in Việt Nam.

So we don’t talk about it.  At least that was the response until last weekend when we learned we need to be proactive.  We won’t keep it all inside.

We’re home – happy to be home – and we are going to share our experiences.

To my many veteran friends:  You may be surprised to know that the MGB and I found much of our experience not unlike coming back 36 years ago.  (For those of you who don’t know, we met in Việt Nam in 1969 – she was a nurse and I was a grunt.)  No – we weren’t in combat this time, but the same inability to talk about our experiences, and the sense of leaving behind the folks you deeply care about are very similar.

Comments

[James Machin]

One thing that will never change. I love you both. You can talk to me all you want about what you are doing.
TREE

[layered]

I think I know what you mean. When I returned to sparse Montana after my year in VN 34 years ago, I was surprised to have the culture shock that I didn't have when I arrived in Viet Nam. Since I gain my energy from being around lots of people (ironic for a county kid, huh?), I really missed the intensity of life in Viet Nam. I particularly missed the capitalism of the people and the ability to buy what you need right around the corner. It is good to see that you have a good support system to deal with this and then teach those around you now about other cultures.
thanks, -- Mel

[Tom Murray]

It's hard to remember much of my time upon returning home to Vietnam in 1971 after 19 months in Vietnam. It seems like such a fog of lonliness and sadness. People treated me like I was gone on vacation and I should jsut pick up where I left off. Inside I had become a different person, but they only saw me as a thinner Tom with darker skin. It was over 30 years until I saw many of my combat buddies at a reunion.

I think many Americans like not talking to others in a rich and deep way. Relationships are so different. Things can be so superficical here.

I too love my students in the USA. Frankly, except for my family, it is my purpose in life. Students have that desire to explore life with an energy that seems to have no limit. It keeps me young, if I am young at almost 60.

As I write this it seems like one of the items that takes much of my free time is the thoughts of returning next summer for a much longer stay than 30 days.

Doug and Cindy - at least this time upon return to the USA you have the Internet to keep some relationships alive long distance.

Good Luck
Tom

[Brian]

When you posted that you were goin' to California, for `ReHomeHab' (I said it first!), I kinda worried. Mino kinda worried. And we wondered, were you guys gonna be o.k.?

We know the love you give out. 'Cos we have felt it, from reading your co-posts.

We know the love you trigger: from the posts we have read and the smiles you both have photo-captured and then shared.

We have glimpsed the love you have been showered with: in Viet Nam, and at `home'.

Sometimes, (I don't know whether I am the only human being who has ever and does ever feel this: when my mind calls my heart to recall a loved face, a loved kindness, a lash of rain across a page of prose, I was tryin' to share...},

sometimes...

I really wish the MGB, you, and your Mum, just good times.

When I was a boy, I fell in love.

And had to leave the object of my affection.

This process seems to have repeated itself. Whilst many objects of affection have become objects of desire, fulfilled...

It it so hard to leave love.

All the love you guys gave, on both trips!

I don't know you. I admire and respect you both. And your colleagues from then and your circle from now.

It is very hard to be good from the heart.

We're tryin to learn.

Don't freak out on comin' home.

Sorry this is a long post: just felt like you both might just need reminding of the power of love...because you have both shared that power with us all.

love n' mercy,

brian&mino

[Brian]

And Tom,

Well...

We really wish we knew you.

Just...good people are not scarce...but they are scared!

[Lan]

Welcome back from your retreat, Doug and MGB. I hope it helped you somewhat to recover the culture shock. I know the gas price is outrageous. I used to pay less than a dollar per gallon in the '70 now it is more than three dollar. It took me a long time to learn the westerner culture when I came here 35 years ago... there was no 'nuoc mam' to be found anywhere and very hard to find Vietnamese to talk with.

TIME is the healer of all things. I am very sorry about your mom's memory loss. Be patient and enjoy each other one day at a time.

[HanoiMark]

Hi Doug,
Lau qua! (It's been a while.) I'm so glad you posted on this topic. I can relate to so much of what you say. I found my re-entry this past spring very difficult. I knew I'd go through it but really had no idea all the ways it affected me. You are lucky to have such a retreat to share these feelings with others experiencing the same phenomenon.

After I returned in March, it took me a good 3 months to get over a general depressive funk. The growth I experienced in VN was profound, but it was difficult learning to be home again after such a long and intense period adapting to such a radically different environment. For a long time I felt like the growth I experienced had little place back home. I felt out of place.
I wrote about my re-entry here: http://hanoimark.blogspot.com/2006/04/returning-one-month-later.html

I've thought a lot about the relationship between culture shock and reverse culture shock. Personally I didn't experience my arrival in VN as a "shock". I was so eager to immerse myself that I felt only excitement. My return to Canada however definitely felt like a shock. I have wondered whether re-entry is paradoxically more intense for those who didn't experience the initial culture shock - in other words, for people who may be more malleable and open to adapting to a new culture. In many ways, I think a strong reverse culture shock is an indication of the extent to which you've allowed yourself to change and adapt to a new culture and way of life. The shock of your re-entry probably affirms the depth of what you experienced.

[Miss July]

It's great to hear all the support and stories from others on this blog. I wonder, Doug and MGB, whether you have perfected your 30-sec answer and how it's working out? I still haven't met many people here- been getting cabin fever in Jon's apartment writing papers, resumes, and settling things. So, since no one knows me, no one asks about Vietnam. Jon is a good listener, though and I am grateful for his emotional support. Remember to cherish each other- I know you always do- I watched you...closely.